Coming Out

How do I know if I’m gay/lesbian/bisexual?

It can be hard to figure out if you are attracted to someone of the same sex and most people feel confused when they are first aware of these feelings. Some people are aware of feeling ‘different’ from a very young age but in a world where heterosexuality is very much the norm, people can find it difficult to pin-point what these feelings really mean. You may be aware of having feelings for a friend of the same-sex, but are unclear whether you want to take this further. Don’t rush yourself – give yourself time to explore these feelings and become comfortable with yourself. Things will become clearer in time.

It may help to talk about how you are feeling. If you don’t feel able to talk to a close friend or family member, please give the Switchboard a ring.

I’m in my thirties, shouldn’t I have realised I was gay by now?

Many people don't discover their sexuality until later in life. Sometimes people are married, even with children, before these feelings begin to surface. If you are feeling confused, you are not alone. It is not unusual to feel attracted to someone you are close to or admire, like a close friend, but none of this necessarily makes you gay, lesbian or bisexual.

One or two experiences with someone of the same sex may not mean you are gay, lesbian or bisexual either - just as one or two experiences with someone of the opposite sex may not mean you are heterosexual. Sexuality like other things in life develops over time. Eventually you'll find that you are drawn mostly to men or women - or both - and you'll know then.

When is the right time to come out?

Firstly, are you sure about your sexual orientation? People may assume that you are confused of ‘going through a phase’ so it’s best to be clear in your own mind so that you can answer any questions with confidence. Also, do you have support around you, in case your parent’s reaction causes problems? And if they don’t react as you hope, what problems could this potentially cause? Although many people find their parents supportive, others have had less positive experiences. If you think your parents may react badly, it may be better to wait until you have left home and are not financially dependent on them before telling them.

There is no right time to come out – every situation is different – but do make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Friends may sometimes pressurise you into coming out because they have and it has worked out well for them, but take your time and do it when you are ready and strong enough to cope with any possible reaction.

There are numerous services that can help you through this time some local some national. Locally there is the Piccadilly Project, based in Hanley, Stoke-on- Trent. This operates like a drop in centre for the local LGB community. It offers a safe place to meet and gives support on all issues surrounding LGB life.

For information and the times of the groups you can call 01782 425969 or you can call the Switchboard for a chat and get more information as to the national help lines.

How will my parents react when I come out?

Coming out can perhaps be the most stressful and difficult time in a person’s life but everyone’s experience is different. Families can sometimes react very positively and want nothing more that to support their child. However often parents can blame themselves or believe that this is simply a phase and that their child will ‘grow out of it’. Also, a small minority may react very badly and may be abusive or cut contact – but please remember that these are extreme case and even parents that react badly initially often just need time to get used to the idea.

It maybe useful to prepare yourself by reading up or listening to stories from other people that have come out, as this will give you some idea of what to expect. It is also a good idea to get hold of information about support groups for parents of LGB people – although your parents may not initially want this information, in time it may be of use to both of you. FFLAG (Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays) are the main support group and they have local members all over the country. They also publish booklets called ‘How do I tell my parents?’ and ‘A guide for families and friends of lesbians and gays’. Visit their website at www.fflag.org.uk.